Honesty can help a colleague improve, but a blunt comment may serve no purpose if it is unhelpful or unwelcome. Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns told NPR that deciding whether to speak up can be harder than finding the right words, and suggested three questions to consider before offering feedback.
In her book Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share—and What to Keep to Yourself, published in October, Bohns draws on research to examine which thoughts and feelings are worth voicing. The advice covers situations including criticism, apologies, celebrations and opening up.
People often struggle to deliver criticism, even when they mean to help. Bohns said it can be painful to embarrass or hurt someone. Researchers call the tendency to hold back unpleasant messages the MUM effect, or minimizing unpleasant messages; it reflects a broader inclination to share bad news less readily than good news.
Before speaking, Bohns recommends asking whether the feedback is helpful and actionable. An honest opinion should offer the listener a chance to improve or gain insight. If it is unkind or concerns something the person cannot change, keeping it to yourself may be better.
A second question is whether you would want to hear the information. For example, gently correcting a new colleague who repeatedly mispronounces the CEO’s name could spare them embarrassment later and help them make a good impression on senior management. Bohns’s book also suggests asking yourself: “Are you being kind, or are you avoiding your own discomfort?”
Finally, consider whether the person has asked for feedback. Unsolicited advice may explain something they already understand better than you do, Bohns said. Even well-intended comments can sound condescending when the speaker assumes what another person needs to hear or how much honesty they can handle. Instead, ask whether they would welcome your feedback, then respect their decision, she said.
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